Thursday, March 21, 2013

Things you didn't tell me.

I have a lot of posts in my head.  Like how I fired a nurse for the second time in the postpartum unit.  How my child had explosive poop during a photo shoot.  and M's first almost full week of life.  Funny things Griffin says.

But no one told me about how having a 2nd child makes you sad.  I had my first emotional response to that last night.  For the first time, G wanted dad to put him to bed.  Granted, this had already been decided--but heartache was immediate.  As were the tears.  And the needing to hold my "baby" which I'm not supposed to do for fear my uterus will fall out.  Something I couldn't stop myself from doing.  And when I was crying he wanted to know why I felt sad.  And "maybe I had just tripped on something?"  So I told him I did.  My guilt and sadness on not being his number one is large.  My sadness of his growing up is serious--and exciting--and conflicting.  No one told me about that part.  They only told me how your heart expands.  I guess part of that is the breaking part, too?

Or you are all liars.  Or  you have forgotten?  Or it's just one of those things that no one talks about?  Like hemroids?

I can't... I have to feed the baby.  or wait just a minute because ... whatever the reason.  IS KILLING ME.

There is the heart expanding stuff, too.  Don't get me wrong, but honestly, this part seems the hardest.  I don't think I have the right words for it.  And much how I couldn't pay as much attention to pregnancy #2 I don't love them the same.  I guess that's part of it, too?  There isn't time to cherish every single second of everything they do.  How I wish I could stop and do more immediately.  For both of them.

So yah... I'm probably being a little dramatic.  I blame the hormones.  And the extra laundry.  So cheers to the people who make this look so easy.  I aspire to be that.

Until then, I'll keep wondering why my tiny baby just slept 3+ hours during the day... and only in 1.5 hour intervals in the night.


Heidi Bruch said...

Hormones. Love them. The waiting? Good for G. He is so young, he will not remember life without M. My brother and I are soooooo close and I think that was the reason I was not sad. Knowing what would be as soon as the first newborn stuff/not having a schedule all shook out. You remember how it is over in a blink? These feelings will be, too. Having patience to wait turns, and slowly understand that this sibling is the best thing ever, will make G a better brother. I blame the hormones, because you are an awesome mama.

Courtneytcu98 said...

I tried, I tried! It is totally hormonal and also adjusting for you and G$, both. And moments that may not be noticed are okay--you'll still see and notice the big ones and all those sibling moments will make up for it. I will say it is still really difficult to know that I'm telling a child to wait.. . or when I lose my patience. Le sigh. Motherhood. It's definitely a challenge.

Sarah K said...

I whole heartedly agree with Heidi and Courtney. Time heals all hormones. ;) All kidding aside, it gets easier. You will all fall into a rhythm sooner than you think. And brothers are SO special. Seriously. So special.

Jeannie Hunter said...

I have no wisdom to share, but I love you. That is all. Oh, and you are beautiful.

Vickie said...

I can only imagine. You hang in there, mommy of 2! xoxo

Emily said...

I have 2 little guys - a 3.5 year old and a 10 month old. Reading your post brought all of those feelings back, feelings I have already forgotten. It gets much, much easier, especially when you see your babies making each other laugh. It took me longer to bond with my second baby because of the same feelings you have. Hang in there :)

Jill said...

Amanda - everything you're feeling is so normal. Think of it this way - maybe G wanted Ben to put him to bed because he knew that M needed you? Maybe it's because he's that sweet of a big brother. I bet it is.

One piece of advice that a friend gave me before Laura was born was to never tell Alexandra I couldn't do something because of the baby. So if she wanted to sit on my lap while nursing, I'd figure out a way for her to somehow fit even if it was so uncomfortable for me. I even had to let Laura cry once in a while just so I could tend to Alexandra. Now none of that is necessary but it was the first couple of weeks and I think that really helped Alexandra adjust and not resent Laura. Just my two cents for whatever it is worth.

In 2 weeks you'll be laughing at this blog post because you'll feel like Super Mom.