how did I get here?

I mean this both figuratively and metaphorically.

I think I'm having one of "those days." I think "those days" are typically reserved for Monday and NOT for Thursday. I'm not sure what to blame for my current state of unawareness. I didn't sleep well last night. For some reason our air conditioning (that we had to have fixed last year because it wasn't working) is again not up to speed. I mean, when it's 105 out during the day the inside of a house can get pretty warm. Then there is the snoring. I will not say who this rumbling belongs to, but I will let you know, that I cannot sleep. Then there is the fact that I woke up at 5:15 this AM for track. At that point I was just kind of in a daze and not noticing my current state of mood. I ran. I came home. Slowly I became scattered.

I then started thinking about WHY. Why lately have I had ridiculous headaches (most likely, whatever pollen is currently in the air.) Why do all of my friends seem to have serious stuff going on in their lives? Growing up sucks. I'm almost 30. What am I doing with my life? Why am I always tired? Why the f is it so hot in here? How am I going to blow dry my hair if I'm still sweating and can't cool off? We don't have food for lunch. Why is my dog throwing herself at our window? Can I take today off? no, I have a meeting this afternoon. Can I be home at some point to talk with the AC person? Probably not. I wonder if the air conditioning at work is back on (it isn't, ps.) Why is my hair a pathetic mess? I guess I'll put a bobby pin in it. WHOA, I look like I'm a cast member of 90210 the early years. Crap, I need to leave if I want a soy chai (my bonus on Thursday mornings.)

So I go driving and sit at a light only to realize I actually need to turn to get to starbucks. I just feel like I'm going through the motions and somehow getting to where I'm going but my mind isn't there. I feel like it hasn't been for a while. Is it that I'm just not good enough for my job? This is my current musing. That and I'd like just a couple of days off to do nothing. I'd like to just be--I don't have to go anywhere. I can run if I want. I don't need to clean my house (because my father in law is coming tonight and this hasn't yet been done.) I'm tired. I feel like I'm tired all the time. How did I get here? How can I even think about having children when I don't feel like I even have time for myself?

When did I grow up? When did 30 start to loom so heavily? Why is it that I could fall asleep at my desk right now? How did I get to work today?