It’s something fierce right now. I can’t seem to beat it. I’m not sure I ever will. I think mostly it stems from my very verbal three year old who doesn’t want me to leave him at bed times. Who I feel guilty when I have to say, “I can’t right now.” Or “It’s time for bed. Mama, has to go.”
I come home in the afternoons. Disrobe in the laundry room. Put the dogs out. Get G to remove his shoes. Try to get him moving upstairs to his room. Get M out of the car seat. Read a book. Hold a hand. Nurse a baby. Lock G in his room. Go rock M and put him down. Listen to G crying for me. “HOLD MY HAND. Mama, please come back.” Wondering if I’ll ever get quality time with either of them. Wonder if M thinks all I do for him is feed him and lay him down. Wonder if G wishes he was still an only child. Realize that’s probably not the case as the maybe 2x he and I have done something he’s pretty concerned that Meyer isn’t with us. Wondering if some of his fits are tied to his feeling neglected. Can’t help but wonder what I’m doing to his psyche.
This morning when I asked him what he dreamed about last night and he said, “I was crying really loud and you didn’t come for me. You went to Meyer.”
Break my heart. Then I wonder why I don’t stay longer at bed time. What is the harm in laying with him until he falls asleep? Some day he won’t want this. The books say I should never do this. I can’t take those statements, though. They kill me.
In the morning I get one of them up. I now shower at night because I can’t seem to find time in the morning. Griffin now cries that he doesn’t want to go to school. He wants to stay. I know he has fun there. I can’t help but wonder if I stayed home we would be these 3’s. We could do fun things. I could grocery shop. I could get laundry done. I would be more “there.” I would say “yes” more to requests.
Right now my mom guilt is winning. And it’s a pretty healthy victory for her.