Only 2 months ago I woke up and knew, "I'm going to be a mom today. Today is the day I meet my little boy. Today I fall in love in ways unimaginable." (Tied in with that, I also thought, "OMG this kid is ripping himself out of my body. Give me drugs. Stat!")
Already he's changed so much. He wakes up and smiles. When I wake up in the night to feed him I look at him and am amazed and this tiny being. This tiny person so intricately tied to me. He's already doubled in size. He has such a personality. He uses his whole body to do everything. He wants so badly to have control over his hands. When he wants to eat, he wants to eat NOW. I totally get that. I'm the same way. His baths comfort him. He gets very still and mellow. He wants to snuggle. He loves being wrapped in his swaddle. He loves his swing. He loves his dad's voice and will follow him when he talks. He finds comfort in his mama's arms.
How can it have been 9 weeks already? 10 on Thursday? I feel like just yesterday I was able to have him laid in my arms. Just yesterday I was able to say, "hello baby. I love you." and cry tears of happiness. Just yesterday it feels like I began my life of exhaustion, but it's so worth it.
Now I'm getting ready to go back to work. How can we already be there? It pains me. Seriously, pains me. I'm not ready, but I won't ever be ready. I cry thinking about it. I try to come up with all the things we can get rid of so that I can stay home. Eating out? Gone. New clothes? Gone. Make up? who needs it? We have to keep the dog food, though...and probably a bottle of wine or 2.
I don't want to miss anything. I don't want him to be missed at childcare. When he's having a bad day how can someone have enough time to devote to him when they have 5 other kids? How can someone else spend the majority of their day with my child? How can I only get a few hours with him? This isn't how it's supposed to work.
I have wonderful memories of growing up. My mom was able to stay home with us. Our summers were filled with playing outside, going to my Uncle's pool, and having fun. My mom was able to be with us. I want that for my children. I want them to have those memories that I cherish. Children are never aware of money... all they know is that they were loved. They were the most important thing in the world--that's part of the glory of having a baby, to make someone else feel that way because that's the only way you know how to make them feel.
My little miracle is waking up. I better go love on him while I can. Take our special days together and cherish them. For 2 months you have consumed my life. You have taken over every waking, and often sleeping, minute of my thoughts. I love you more everyday. I'm trying to capture everything. I know that too soon you will be grown. Too soon you will be walking. Too soon you won't need your mommy quite as much. For now though, you are mine.
4 comments:
First of all, that picture just made my uterus cry out. He is that cute.
Second.. it sucks going back to work. It really, really does. I felt the same way you did. I would give up everything to stay home with her. I really would. But we're not there yet. And you know what? Eventually it becomes your new normal. The first two weeks I had to leave E were awful. I would burst into tears randomly through the work day. But she's found her new schedule that involves her sitter and she likes it. She loves watching the other kids. She learns so much from them. And when I pick her up, I get the biggest smile that lets me know she is so happy that her time with me begins now. It's hard. But it's how things will be for now. Just cherish the time you have. You work to make his life awesome. He'll know that.
End longest comment ever. Thinking of you..
Thank you SO much. That's exactly what I need to hear. It's so wonderful to have other mom's out there who are trudging through life and life's emotions with me. LOVE getting the updates on your little one! I'm sure that many weeks of tears are ahead of me once I'm back.
I love you and this post so much. I wish every woman/girl in the world had this feeling. The world would be a much better place if we all just remembered to cherish each moment and love each other as much as you love that boy. And don't worry, little one, he will always know how adored he is because you will always make it so. And his memories of growing up will be as treasured as your own.
Tears, Amanda.
So perfect!
If you spend your days this intentionally with him, he'll know. He'll always be your little boy, even when he's tired of hearing it.
(Ella rolls her eyes and says, "I KNOW, dad!" every time he tells her.)
Parenting is the most amazing gift we've been given. My prayers and hugs are with you as you begin the first of many very hard steps toward letting him go.
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