Monday, March 28, 2011

I'll cut you.

So remember how my baby was just born? 8months ago.

I know, crazy that he can already whittle tooth brushes down into a shank. Seriously, for some reason this kids nails are like razors. He'd totally make it in the big house. He wouldn't take shit from anyone. He regularly shanks my nose. I typically restrain myself from using poor word choices. I mean, my newborn 8month old saying mama and dada... and possibly "hi".


So in college I had 2 majors and one minor--all in liberal arts. When it was close to graduation my parents asked, "Sooooooooooooo.... what are you going to do with that?" My answer, "ummmm grad school?" I mean, what do you do with a double major in psych (child development), religious studies, and a minor in sociology (with a focus in family systems/criminology.) Wha??? yah... Love me some criminology. So I got a masters of divinity. Yes, that's Master to you. Ben likes to be called Dr. I say, that's fine... just call me master. I'll take that over Dr.

For some reason my L.A. college didn't offer a teaching degree. Not sure why... that's probably what I'd be, though. That or a prison warden. If I were a prison warden I'd probably be more apt to deal with the shank wounds I'm receiving on regular occasion.

So tonight, so I don't "get it in my sleep" I decided to rock him to sleep. It had nothing to do with the fact that since I'm planning his 1st bday party (Yes, it's early. Yes, it's ridiculous. Yes, I also love an excel file.) He's basically 13 and we have nothing in common and he's super dirty and hates bathing and probably ignores talks to girls on the phone.

I don't think they like to be rocked to sleep then, right? And probably don't like for mom to kiss all over them before nap time. I mean, I'm guessing.

Either way, watch out because he doesn't take shit from anyone. bitch.

This is not a post for advice on how I need to cut my son's nails. I do this regularly. Apparently I am not supposed to file them down into sharp razor blade points. Don't openly judge me. Please judge me in the confines of your own home; or over a play date. But, if it's going to be a play date, please also be drinking wine. And, reference my blog so I can become famous... and then someone else can cut his nails 2x per week and bail him out of jail


CDS said...

You kill me..I LOVE IT!

Perfectly Imperfect said...

Girl. BG can carve her initials in her crib with her nails. Oh well. Because trying to cut them is like peeling my own off one by one. I only cut hers the other day because her arms were starting to look like she should be on girl, interrupted.


Link your email to your blog! I always want to respond to your comments so we can chat it out. But I can't! fix that!!

A.B. said...

wha wha??? So you never got my email I sent you like a zill. months ago?? I'm guessing I went spam folder. I will now attempt to fix.

Meg said...

I started planning 5's first birthday before he was born...I have the excel file to prove it.

And why can my baby grow his nails 14 inches in 12 seconds and I cant seem to grow mine (without the help of pregg hormones) at all?